Nov
8
NikonLady asked:
Here’s the deal - I am an adult - 41 - and I have this one parent that no matter what I do they are never happy with it. Now, here’s the kicker - this parent will tell others, you know strangers, about how much they love me or or how proud of me they are. However, when it’s just in their house or on THEIR property…it’s gripe and complain, belittle, and smash…This parent has even admitted to doing this belittling behavior to satisfy themselves. It breaks my heart. I try really hard to make them happy. I just can’t seem to do anything right.
Of course I can hear them say…they just want want help. No, what this parent wants is control. Something, that I am not willing to give up anymore.
Here’s the deal - I am an adult - 41 - and I have this one parent that no matter what I do they are never happy with it. Now, here’s the kicker - this parent will tell others, you know strangers, about how much they love me or or how proud of me they are. However, when it’s just in their house or on THEIR property…it’s gripe and complain, belittle, and smash…This parent has even admitted to doing this belittling behavior to satisfy themselves. It breaks my heart. I try really hard to make them happy. I just can’t seem to do anything right.
Of course I can hear them say…they just want want help. No, what this parent wants is control. Something, that I am not willing to give up anymore.
I just want advice on how to deal with them. I am moving away from them due to this. It sucks, because I love being with the other parent.
Thank you for your time!!!
Anything written hurtful or ugly - will be deleted.
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15 Responses to “What do you do when everything you try never makes a parent happy?”
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that sound s like my dad. he loves me but gripes 24/7 and sometimes i feel he doesn’t love me. he just has problems showing it when push omes to shove though your parents will be there for you. you could never let your parents down and they are proud of you in everyhting you do. but sometimes parents just don’t know how to show it. you may want to talk to them and tell them how you feel. they may not even realize they are making you feel this way.
Hey, it sounds like me and my mother. I try to do whatever she asks until I am completely fed up and give up for a while, then I’m at it again. It never ends! I don’t think a controlling parent can be changed…sorry.
Thats pretty tough, maybe you can schedule activites that cater to the one you get along with, ie golf / shopping and lunch. Might be able to be more helpful if I knew man or woman.
It ***** you are in this situation, especially when it involves your own parents. We cant choose who our parents are, we can only live with them, or move on. Sounds like you should move on in this case. Stay in contact with the other parent, if you choose, and live a more happy and healthy life without the harsh comments…Good luck!
My parents were the same way, mostly my mom. I was never good enough. They’re both gone now. My brother has kind of taken their place. He does the same thing. There’s nothing you can do except to give it to God and move on.
At 41 you have a right to live your life as you see fit. If nothing you do makes your parents happy, then do nothing. You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness, only your own. It’s a shame that you feel you have to move away but sometimes space is required to get a better perspective. Live your life, do what makes you happy. If your parents don’t agree with it, it’s their issue. Sometimes people aren’t happy unless they have something to complain about. It’s their comfort zone. Try to focus in on the positive things about your parents and let go of the other stuff. Live your life for you.
IT IS BETTER YOU MOVE…..BECAUSE THIS TYPE OF SITUATION WHERE YOUR ARE LIVING NOW CAN MAKE YOU PSYCHIC SO BETTER FOR YOU TO LEAVE THEM…..HOPING FOR YOUR BEST.
The parent is telling other people that they are proud of you so that’s a good thing. Some people for some reason have a hard time telling someone how they really feel. If I was you I’d realize I can’t change the other person and just accept their behavior. That way you won’t drive yourself crazy trying to get something from them that they don’t have the ability to give you. Maybe they are unhappy and are venting on you for an outlet.
Been there! Actually, still there. It’s tough, being an adult who can make their own decisions and knowing those decisions might tick off your parents because it wasn’t what they wanted you to do. The best thing you can do is stand up for yourself, gently. I say thanks for the advice, I’ll take that into consideration, and then do what I want. If I get a crabby email (and I always do!), I just delete it. Don’t read it, don’t reply to it. It’s sad because I tell them less and less of what’s going on in my life because I don’t want them to criticize/direct/suggest. But it’s more peaceful this way. Hang in there!
Some parents find it hard to express how they feel. It is unfortunate that this is going to come between you and them. Maybe a bit of distance will do the trick, but keep in touch regularly.
It is not your job to make them happy. It is your job to make yourself happy. Be yourself. Don’t try to be what they want.
You aren’t related to me are you? *grin* I have a parent just like that and I’ve learned a long time ago that nothing I do or can ever do will make this parent happy because they are unhappy with themselves and their own life. Therefore, for my own sanity, I have stopped trying to make this person happy… They have to find happiness for themselves.
My parent also has a control issue and if you continue allow them to push your buttons and get yourself all upset… well you are allowing them to control you. Get yourself to the point that you can let what they complain about or say go in one in and out the other (this can be done!). Don’t allow them to control your emotions anymore. Set appropriate boundaries when needed. Don’t cut yourself off from the parent you enjoy spending time with just because of this other person.
You should not feel or be responsible for the parents happiness. You will never be happy in your own life if you are always trying to make someone else happy. Happiness is a choice, for the most part.
Do you let this parent know how unhappy you are that nothing you do makes him/her happy? Have you told this parent that you don’t want to even be around him/her because he/she is always so negative? Have you told him/her that the relationship you have with him/her is going to fail because of the negative attitude?
Before you move away, be sure to sit down with both parents and set things straight. You will no longer be concerned with making them happy. If they choose to be happy, then fine. If they choose to be unhappy, fine, too. But you will no longer keep trying to do things to MAKE them happy. You don’t have to be nasty about it, just truthful. Maybe get your thoughts together ahead of time and practice what you’re going to say so as not to sound mean or uncaring.
You are not being selfish by putting your happiness before this parent. You deserve to be happy. You have to understand that. You parent can make the decision to be miserable if that’s what he/she wants. It’s none of your business anymore how he/she chooses to live his/her life.
Good luck.
Well if you are 41 and this has been an on-going problem then moving is probably a step in the right direction.
But that does not have to mean that you loose your close emotional contact with the parent you enjoy. The two of you can keep in close torch in a variety of ways and…..maybe that parent can come visit you on their own? Quality time without the negative input from the ‘always down on you’ parent?
The whole situation has possibilities for positive progress. Good luck.
Whatever you do, stop living for this person. If nothing that you have done in 41 years can please them, nothing probably ever will.
I saw a person who succeeded to a great degree, owner of six restaurants, and a great success because he was seeking the approval of his father. Well when his father died, he left himself literally unmotivated because the only motivation he ever wanted was his father’s approval and that was literally dead. Live for your self and who you are and not for other’s may judge you.
Be sure moving away is the right thing to do, there is one parent you love being with and will no doubt greatly miss them.
As it sounds like oral communication seems to break down when you are with them or on their property, I would suggest that you write a letter to both of them telling you what your thoughts are. Let them know you want encouragement in your life and not petty insults to fullfill their own desires of putting you down. Thank them for the good they have shown you as well, but let them know you will no longer be willing to see them privately if this behavior is to continue as it is eating a whole at you psychologically and you no longer want to be part of anything that is not encouraging. They may not know and understand your feelings, not because you haven’t ever voiced them (because I’m sure you did), but because they never heard them because they were too busy thinking of what to tell you next while you are trying to explain this to them. A letter is a message that can’t be interrupted or have it’s subject changed and usually requires them to think before responding. Try to write the letter as loving as possible so that they don’t view it as something hateful that needs further debate, sleep on the letter before sending it so that you can read it with an open mind and decide whether you were too harsh or whether you really expressed your true feelings, or in an effort to please them perhaps watered your message down. Let them know they are invited in your life to be your allies at this time in life, as you will accept encouragement at any time.
Remember you can and have done a lot of things right and those negative words they chiseled into your mind have no place there and are in no way indicative of who you are. Help is not belittling, but it is an effort of a kind heart who wishes to see you succeed at being happy as well as who and what you were created to be.
Been through this, and hope you come out of it well.