Oct
31
Boston Mamma asked:
I am 31 years old and married a wonderful man 2 years ago who is 41. He has a 17 and a 19 year old which he worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to support and provide them with everything they ever wanted. In addition, he did all the housework, cooking, and taxi-ing often going days without sleep. As a result of his failure to slow down, he had a massive heart attack 6 years ago which permanently disabled him but still left him being Mr Mom to his children and their mother. Now his daughter has recently left for college and his son will soon be through with high school. I don’t have any children and have always wanted them but I’m not sure it’s fair to him to have to raise a family all over again even under very different circumstances. He doesn’t object to having more children but frequently talks of how wonderful it will be when it’s just me and him so I know he’d rather not have anymore. I don’t think I have to have children to be happy but would like one of my own. Advise??
I am 31 years old and married a wonderful man 2 years ago who is 41. He has a 17 and a 19 year old which he worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to support and provide them with everything they ever wanted. In addition, he did all the housework, cooking, and taxi-ing often going days without sleep. As a result of his failure to slow down, he had a massive heart attack 6 years ago which permanently disabled him but still left him being Mr Mom to his children and their mother. Now his daughter has recently left for college and his son will soon be through with high school. I don’t have any children and have always wanted them but I’m not sure it’s fair to him to have to raise a family all over again even under very different circumstances. He doesn’t object to having more children but frequently talks of how wonderful it will be when it’s just me and him so I know he’d rather not have anymore. I don’t think I have to have children to be happy but would like one of my own. Advise??
Oct
25
Chris Lowrey asked:
There are so many responsibilities that come with the title of “Parents.” Without a doubt, we all enjoy our children. Our hearts soar when we see our children happy, knowing we played a role in that delighted expression. We glow with their successes and hurt during their failures. We dream for them and with them.
We attempt to raise our children with a sense of value. We teach them what we feel are important lessons to take with them into adulthood. And, we fear we will miss key values that will help them to avoid the pitfalls of learning too late.
The list of pass-on wisdom is too long for any one conversation; however, below are lessons that will only add value to their lives, regardless of age or accomplishments.
1.Make a difference.
Not all fond memories are made up of grand efforts. The small, kind gestures that can be freely given typically are the most memorable. Teach children that their smiles and genuine hugs can brighten a lonely day. Encourage them to befriend a loner in school, have them make a hand drawn card for their grandparents, offer to rake the elderly neighbor’s yard, donate time to the less fortunate, etc. By persuading children to give of themselves is also supporting the absolute fact that they can make a difference in the lives of others and are truly valued members of the human race.
2. Life is a gift
How many of us have wished our days away only to say, “Wow, where did the time go?” Life is a gift and each day is a blessing. When you first lay eyes on children, smile and remind them that it is a beautiful day and to make the most of it. If they are grumpy help them find the brighter side of their issue, if they are facing a problem guide them to a peaceful resolution, if they are full of the negatives turn their thoughts to life and all of its opportunities. Life is too short to let it pass us by without recognizing the beauty that surrounds us.
3. Love everyone you can and don’t expect that everyone will love you
There are too many people on this planet to be able to love all and have those love you back. Too many times we set our standards of worthiness not on the ones who love us but those who don’t. It is normal to limit our friendship where feelings are mutual. Don’t let children place their self worth on a losing battle. Teach them to be nice to all but don’t expect to be the champion to everyone. It isn’t possible or healthy.
4. Think before you speak
Words cannot be taken back and hurtful words can sour hearts. Practice the deep breath method… when thinking of allowing the mouth to explode, take a deep breath and think. If restraint isn’t possible, walk away. Regrets and pain will be fewer the more distance given to the bruised ego or heart.
5. Stand up for your beliefs while respecting others
One of the many amazing rights we have in our country is the right to speak up when we feel wronged. However, teach respectful methods of disagreements. Remind children which part of the head goes first, ears or mouth. When allowing ears the first opening we gain understanding which will lead to resolution while respecting all viewpoints. When it becomes time for our mouths to move, speak in a manner that is non-offensive. Our viewpoint will be more likely heard and appreciated.
There are so many responsibilities that come with the title of “Parents.” Without a doubt, we all enjoy our children. Our hearts soar when we see our children happy, knowing we played a role in that delighted expression. We glow with their successes and hurt during their failures. We dream for them and with them.
We attempt to raise our children with a sense of value. We teach them what we feel are important lessons to take with them into adulthood. And, we fear we will miss key values that will help them to avoid the pitfalls of learning too late.
The list of pass-on wisdom is too long for any one conversation; however, below are lessons that will only add value to their lives, regardless of age or accomplishments.
1.Make a difference.
Not all fond memories are made up of grand efforts. The small, kind gestures that can be freely given typically are the most memorable. Teach children that their smiles and genuine hugs can brighten a lonely day. Encourage them to befriend a loner in school, have them make a hand drawn card for their grandparents, offer to rake the elderly neighbor’s yard, donate time to the less fortunate, etc. By persuading children to give of themselves is also supporting the absolute fact that they can make a difference in the lives of others and are truly valued members of the human race.
2. Life is a gift
How many of us have wished our days away only to say, “Wow, where did the time go?” Life is a gift and each day is a blessing. When you first lay eyes on children, smile and remind them that it is a beautiful day and to make the most of it. If they are grumpy help them find the brighter side of their issue, if they are facing a problem guide them to a peaceful resolution, if they are full of the negatives turn their thoughts to life and all of its opportunities. Life is too short to let it pass us by without recognizing the beauty that surrounds us.
3. Love everyone you can and don’t expect that everyone will love you
There are too many people on this planet to be able to love all and have those love you back. Too many times we set our standards of worthiness not on the ones who love us but those who don’t. It is normal to limit our friendship where feelings are mutual. Don’t let children place their self worth on a losing battle. Teach them to be nice to all but don’t expect to be the champion to everyone. It isn’t possible or healthy.
4. Think before you speak
Words cannot be taken back and hurtful words can sour hearts. Practice the deep breath method… when thinking of allowing the mouth to explode, take a deep breath and think. If restraint isn’t possible, walk away. Regrets and pain will be fewer the more distance given to the bruised ego or heart.
5. Stand up for your beliefs while respecting others
One of the many amazing rights we have in our country is the right to speak up when we feel wronged. However, teach respectful methods of disagreements. Remind children which part of the head goes first, ears or mouth. When allowing ears the first opening we gain understanding which will lead to resolution while respecting all viewpoints. When it becomes time for our mouths to move, speak in a manner that is non-offensive. Our viewpoint will be more likely heard and appreciated.
Oct
23
Cullensabcs asked:
Cullen’s abc’s http://www.cullensabcs.com creates free preschool videos to support children’s development at home and in the classroom. Find more free preschool videos at our website! Here are some tips on using songs and cheers to make clean up a bit more fun.
Overall teaching tips are for helping you with certain situations that occur with your child.
Oct
22
Five Parenting Tips
Filed Under Parenting | Leave a Comment
Audrey Okaneko asked:
As parents we all need to occasionally be reminded of what we can do to be the best parents to our children. Below is a list of five of my favorite tips:
1. Listen to your child. My idea of listening is very different than many other peoples. When I say listen, I mean truly listen. Let your child do the talking. This is not the time to voice your opinion. This is not the time to tell your child they handled something wrong, or should have handled it differently. This is time to just listen to your child. I have a very special 5 year old who comes to visit me from time to time. A few times when she’s come she’s been very upset. When someone at school says something mean, this is very traumatic to a 5 year old. I just listen and offer hugs. Often when she leaves, she is smiling. I then have a 16 year of my own. When she talks, I listen. I let her tell me what’s happening, how she solved the situation and how she feels about how she handled everything. This is listening.
2. When helping children recognize the differences between the choice they made and other choices, always talk about the choices, or the behavior, never talk about the child. The child is not good or bad or right or wrong. However a child might have made a choice that was not a great choice. Or the child might have made a choice that was just excellent. With a very young child, they might decide to pull a dogs tail. It’s important to stop the behavior but to also talk about the behavior not that the child was “wrong”. When we pull a dogs tail, the dog just might bite us. However, with the owner’s permission, it’s great to pet the dog on his back. With a teenager, maybe they are making a choice to watch t.v. and not do homework. Talk about the behavior. Talk about the future. Don’t tell the child they’re wrong in their choice. Instead talk about the behavior and understand why they are making the choice to not do homework.
3. Be consistent. This is so important. Children need very clear guidelines. If a behavior is not ok on Monday, but ok on Tuesday, children become uncertain and confused. If they must wash their hands before eating, then make sure this happens every single time. If you are in a restaurant, you can use the restroom there to wash hands. If you are at a friend’s home, you can use the restroom there to wash hands. By being consistent it will be habit for the kids to wash their hands before eating. If your child is not allowed to jump on the couch, then there must be consequences every single time he/she jumps on the couch. When you are consistent, your children recognize that what you say is the way it is. They trust you. I know it sounds “weird” but when you are inconsistent, children don’t trust what you say. They know that your word might or might not be true.
4. Allow your child to make choices. Choices build a child’s self esteem and self confidence. With a very young child, allow them to choose their own outfit. Allow them to choose what toy to play with. Allow them to choose which book to read. With an older child, allow them to help choose which foods to serve with a meal. Allow them to choose their own clothes at the store. Allow them to begin developing their own routines of when to do homework, when to talk on the phone, and when to watch t.v. When we allow our children to make choices, we are helping them develop their own self confidence.
5. Spend time with your children doing what they want to do. Spending time with your child is so important. Having you, their parent, involved in the activity they’ve chosen can lead to a non stop smile on your child’s face. Does your 3 year old want to go to the park? Go, have fun. Does your 5 year old want to go to McDonalds? Go, grab a diet coke and watch your child smile. Does your teenager want to go to the mall? Go, enjoy the time together. Children want to be with mom and dad.
As parents we all need to occasionally be reminded of what we can do to be the best parents to our children. Below is a list of five of my favorite tips:
1. Listen to your child. My idea of listening is very different than many other peoples. When I say listen, I mean truly listen. Let your child do the talking. This is not the time to voice your opinion. This is not the time to tell your child they handled something wrong, or should have handled it differently. This is time to just listen to your child. I have a very special 5 year old who comes to visit me from time to time. A few times when she’s come she’s been very upset. When someone at school says something mean, this is very traumatic to a 5 year old. I just listen and offer hugs. Often when she leaves, she is smiling. I then have a 16 year of my own. When she talks, I listen. I let her tell me what’s happening, how she solved the situation and how she feels about how she handled everything. This is listening.
2. When helping children recognize the differences between the choice they made and other choices, always talk about the choices, or the behavior, never talk about the child. The child is not good or bad or right or wrong. However a child might have made a choice that was not a great choice. Or the child might have made a choice that was just excellent. With a very young child, they might decide to pull a dogs tail. It’s important to stop the behavior but to also talk about the behavior not that the child was “wrong”. When we pull a dogs tail, the dog just might bite us. However, with the owner’s permission, it’s great to pet the dog on his back. With a teenager, maybe they are making a choice to watch t.v. and not do homework. Talk about the behavior. Talk about the future. Don’t tell the child they’re wrong in their choice. Instead talk about the behavior and understand why they are making the choice to not do homework.
3. Be consistent. This is so important. Children need very clear guidelines. If a behavior is not ok on Monday, but ok on Tuesday, children become uncertain and confused. If they must wash their hands before eating, then make sure this happens every single time. If you are in a restaurant, you can use the restroom there to wash hands. If you are at a friend’s home, you can use the restroom there to wash hands. By being consistent it will be habit for the kids to wash their hands before eating. If your child is not allowed to jump on the couch, then there must be consequences every single time he/she jumps on the couch. When you are consistent, your children recognize that what you say is the way it is. They trust you. I know it sounds “weird” but when you are inconsistent, children don’t trust what you say. They know that your word might or might not be true.
4. Allow your child to make choices. Choices build a child’s self esteem and self confidence. With a very young child, allow them to choose their own outfit. Allow them to choose what toy to play with. Allow them to choose which book to read. With an older child, allow them to help choose which foods to serve with a meal. Allow them to choose their own clothes at the store. Allow them to begin developing their own routines of when to do homework, when to talk on the phone, and when to watch t.v. When we allow our children to make choices, we are helping them develop their own self confidence.
5. Spend time with your children doing what they want to do. Spending time with your child is so important. Having you, their parent, involved in the activity they’ve chosen can lead to a non stop smile on your child’s face. Does your 3 year old want to go to the park? Go, have fun. Does your 5 year old want to go to McDonalds? Go, grab a diet coke and watch your child smile. Does your teenager want to go to the mall? Go, enjoy the time together. Children want to be with mom and dad.
Oct
21
cameron t asked:
Singing is something that I just love to do. It is a big and I mean a huge chunk of my life. If I think back to it when ever I am mad at my parents I go into my room and just start singing songs. When I am in the shower I play my mixed itunes Cds and I just sing untill the water turns cold. Songs help me exspress my emotions and say things that have been on my mind that I just didnt know how to say. Singing makes me happy and I think god knows thats my soft spot. There are so many songs to exspress how I feel. From Jack Johnson to Ciara it seems like theres always a song to exsplain whats going on in my life. When I find a song I like I listen to it once and the second go I have the lyrics memorized. I really want to improve my singing skill with vocal instruction. I am already in vocal at my school but I want to get one on one lessons. If any one has any ideas on vocal instruction in Saint Louis MO or ways that I can improve by myself in general please answer this question. Thanks =D
Singing is something that I just love to do. It is a big and I mean a huge chunk of my life. If I think back to it when ever I am mad at my parents I go into my room and just start singing songs. When I am in the shower I play my mixed itunes Cds and I just sing untill the water turns cold. Songs help me exspress my emotions and say things that have been on my mind that I just didnt know how to say. Singing makes me happy and I think god knows thats my soft spot. There are so many songs to exspress how I feel. From Jack Johnson to Ciara it seems like theres always a song to exsplain whats going on in my life. When I find a song I like I listen to it once and the second go I have the lyrics memorized. I really want to improve my singing skill with vocal instruction. I am already in vocal at my school but I want to get one on one lessons. If any one has any ideas on vocal instruction in Saint Louis MO or ways that I can improve by myself in general please answer this question. Thanks =D
Oct
19
Is My Parents Love Greater Than God’s?
Filed Under Parenting | Leave a Comment
Michael Celender asked:
You may be thinking that this sounds absurd, yet it is what many religions continue to tell me. It is one of the many reasons I could never stay locked into a religion. I have a much grander view of God.
I have been very blessed in this life with parents who provided a complete, amazing childhood and an environment of support to be nurtured in. They also offered their Unconditional Love, always. I’ve come to realize that unconditional is the only actual love there is. Everything else is something less disguised as love…period.
Maybe you have not experienced the power of this kind of world. I hope that you have at least discovered God’s unconditional love for you. I will take it a step further. If you believe in an eternal hell that God will send certain sinners to upon their death then you believe in a God who does not offer unconditional love. That is a God made in the image of man. It’s just backwards.
Man judges. We all know this and experience it on a daily basis. Even though the Bible says, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” This is one way in which we all create our own little versions of hell to live in, or at least our mental prisons. Judgment limits. There is no way around that. The moment you judge something as good or bad, right or wrong, or as the one way, you have essentially cut off other avenues, which may have merit. You do not allow other ideas in, and so you become closed-minded. This absolutely limits you, yet the nature of your spirit is limitless.
This also creates fear in your heart. Fear that if you don’t behave in a proper manner, one that God approves of, then you will sentence yourself to eternal damnation. Can you see how that outlook serves to keep you restricted and confined? Spirit never restricts! Religion restricts. Spiritual life is about finding your bliss, the gift you decided to bring into this material plane, and then following that path with courage. It will lead to an adventurous life, certainly not a restricted one.
Once you fully realize that God’s love contains no conditions or restrictions you begin to feel a freedom like never before. It will be a freedom from worry and fear, which keep you from moving toward your true passion. A God that loves you, no matter what, would not damn you to any eternal hell, which of course does not exist in the first place.
As I researched the concept of judgment, I became curious as to what the accepted antonym of the word “judgment” is, but I could not find one. I have since come up with my own opposite of judgment. That word is …freedom! If judgment limits us, then a non-judgmental acceptance of the world and people as they are frees us! I have practiced this to the best of my ability and found it to be true. Sure, I backslide at times and find myself in judgment mode; but now I can pull myself out of that much faster and easier. It’s easy to determine if I am judging as it negatively affects the way I feel.
Pay attention to the way you feel about someone or some concept as you move forward. If you begin to feel angry or frustrated, just notice what it is that you are concentrating on about that person or idea. Answer the question, why does it make me feel like this? Now imagine that God did create a perfect world and we are each free to do exactly what we want, which is expressing God through our own experience here. Understand that right and wrong are merely labels we use to determine which experiences or ideas serve our unique purpose in that endeavor, but God will never stand in judgment of them!
You may be thinking that this sounds absurd, yet it is what many religions continue to tell me. It is one of the many reasons I could never stay locked into a religion. I have a much grander view of God.
I have been very blessed in this life with parents who provided a complete, amazing childhood and an environment of support to be nurtured in. They also offered their Unconditional Love, always. I’ve come to realize that unconditional is the only actual love there is. Everything else is something less disguised as love…period.
Maybe you have not experienced the power of this kind of world. I hope that you have at least discovered God’s unconditional love for you. I will take it a step further. If you believe in an eternal hell that God will send certain sinners to upon their death then you believe in a God who does not offer unconditional love. That is a God made in the image of man. It’s just backwards.
Man judges. We all know this and experience it on a daily basis. Even though the Bible says, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” This is one way in which we all create our own little versions of hell to live in, or at least our mental prisons. Judgment limits. There is no way around that. The moment you judge something as good or bad, right or wrong, or as the one way, you have essentially cut off other avenues, which may have merit. You do not allow other ideas in, and so you become closed-minded. This absolutely limits you, yet the nature of your spirit is limitless.
This also creates fear in your heart. Fear that if you don’t behave in a proper manner, one that God approves of, then you will sentence yourself to eternal damnation. Can you see how that outlook serves to keep you restricted and confined? Spirit never restricts! Religion restricts. Spiritual life is about finding your bliss, the gift you decided to bring into this material plane, and then following that path with courage. It will lead to an adventurous life, certainly not a restricted one.
Once you fully realize that God’s love contains no conditions or restrictions you begin to feel a freedom like never before. It will be a freedom from worry and fear, which keep you from moving toward your true passion. A God that loves you, no matter what, would not damn you to any eternal hell, which of course does not exist in the first place.
As I researched the concept of judgment, I became curious as to what the accepted antonym of the word “judgment” is, but I could not find one. I have since come up with my own opposite of judgment. That word is …freedom! If judgment limits us, then a non-judgmental acceptance of the world and people as they are frees us! I have practiced this to the best of my ability and found it to be true. Sure, I backslide at times and find myself in judgment mode; but now I can pull myself out of that much faster and easier. It’s easy to determine if I am judging as it negatively affects the way I feel.
Pay attention to the way you feel about someone or some concept as you move forward. If you begin to feel angry or frustrated, just notice what it is that you are concentrating on about that person or idea. Answer the question, why does it make me feel like this? Now imagine that God did create a perfect world and we are each free to do exactly what we want, which is expressing God through our own experience here. Understand that right and wrong are merely labels we use to determine which experiences or ideas serve our unique purpose in that endeavor, but God will never stand in judgment of them!
Oct
19
Essential Parenting Tips For Raising Kids With Medical Issues
Filed Under Parenting | Leave a Comment
Foster W. Cline MD And Lisa Greene asked:
I knew I was in trouble. She ripped the oxygen sensor off her finger and refused to put it back on.
Recovering from surgery isn’t easy for anyone but it’s especially challenging when the patient is only seven. My daughter was grumpy and uncooperative. That was understandable but not helping the situation. Coming out of surgery, she needed to be monitored; the medical sensors weren’t optional. Kasey was not responding well to the doses of loving kindness and patience shown by those around her. There was nothing anyone could do to satisfy her. She was simply cranky.
“I need a blanket!” I pull up the blanket. She kicks it off with a scowl: “I’m too hot.” Then, “I’m thirsty!” The nurse says, “You’ll throw up. You need to wait awhile.” “No, I want water now!” she cries pitifully. Heart aching, I ask for some water. They give her a red popsicle. That should make her happy if anything will. One little nibble and she resumes her wails for water. “Can’t we give her a little water?” I ask. “What’s the worst that can happen?” So we gave her some water and she was satisfied. Then, she promptly threw up.
I start running through all of my good Love and Logic tools that might help to insure the oxygen sensor stays on her finger. What might work? Enforceable statements? Nah, not the right thing at this moment. Empathy? Yeah but I’m already giving her lots of that. Choices? Ah ha! Let’s try that one. “Would you like the sensor on your finger or your toe?” No response except the stubbornly set chin and a turn of the head.
With a heavy sigh, it struck me again how hard it is to set limits around misbehavior when our child is sick and in pain. When our children are hurting, it is so natural for everyone around them to acquiesce to every demand. We feel so badly for them and just want to make it all better - make it all go away. For a short period of time, that might be tolerable and not harmful. Sometimes we all need a little extra leeway and grace. But when giving leeway impedes good health care or giving understanding enables poor health decisions then thoughtful parenting choices become critical. And correct parenting responses are even more critical when pain and sickness are a part of everyday life.
These circumstances lead many children to understandably become more demanding and entitled. However, continually bowing down to the constant, and at times unreasonable, demands of a spoiled tyrant can be wearing on everyone in the house. And sadly, it doesn’t even help the demanding child that parents may be attempting to pacify. Illness and pain make it hard to know where to draw the line. At what point does a parent say, “I am happy to bring you a popsicle when you ask me nicely?” And how many parents are really strong enough to withstand the tantrum that is likely to ensue?
When a child is chronically ill, guilt often kicks in along with close cousins: sympathy and fear. Guilt, sympathy and fear can control our parental responses before we are really even aware of them. As we trot off to retrieve the demanded item for an ill child, the thought might not even occur to us to accept only polite requests. And if the thought “I don’t like how she is treating me” does occur, it gets drowned out by the other thoughts like “Give her a break, she doesn’t feel well” or “She might get even sicker if I don’t do as she asks” or “I want all of her moments to be happy ones so I won’t say no” or “I have no energy to handle the fighting that is sure to happen if I say no.”
The problem is that the more we give in to a tyrant, the more he demands. ****** is the extreme example that appeasement simply doesn’t work; not for dictators and not for children. We are all part of the same human race with the same only too human nature that says: “I want more.” All who have spent time around a strong willed two- or three-year-old know the truth of Lawrence Kutner’s statement, “The fundamental job of a toddler is to rule the universe.” Left unchecked, demanding toddlers grow up to become controlling and demanding adults.
So, what is a parent to do? How do we best insure that our children cope with their health challenges in productive ways? How do we help them grow up into adults who are respectful, responsible, and hopeful?
Effectively responding to an ill and demanding child starts with an awareness of the dangers of an entitled mentality. Although parents may put up with a child who is demanding, rude, or lacking self control, the real world of adulthood is much less accepting. The best gift a parent can give a child is the opportunity to learn how to treat others with respect and to guide them in taking responsibility for getting their own needs met instead of demanding that others meet those needs.
Parents must effectively deal with arguments when setting limits. One-liners can be very effective. A calmly delivered response such as “I love you too much to argue” can turn down the heat when tempers start to flare - on both sides.
Share control as much as possible. Children who are chronically ill have less control over their bodies, time and circumstances than other kids. Allowing children to make as many decisions as possible helps them feel like they at least have some control in their own lives.
Parents must take good care of themselves by setting loving limits around how they are treated. Gently delivered phrases such as “I will listen to you as soon as your voice is calm like mine” or “I am happy to do nice things for you when I feel treated with respect” or “I’ll get you the remote control when you ask nicely” will help your child learn to treat you, and others, with respect.
When children make mistakes, including treating others badly, wise parents respond with empathy and sadness rather than anger and frustration before delivering consequences. “Oh sweetheart, this is so sad. All of this arguing (or disrespect) has really worn me out today so I won’t be taking you on your play date. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.”
As I gazed at my daughter’s firmly set chin and pursed lips, I pondered how to handle this oxygen sensor issue. I knew telling her to “just do it” wasn’t going to cut it. That would only make her dig in and be more resistant. Of course in the extreme, the doctors could make her keep it on but that’s not what I wanted to do. Forcing a child to comply might win the battle but loses the war of building character and internal ability to make good decisions.
In the end, it was simply allowing her to the freedom to make her own decisions that did it and trusting that she was a good decision-maker if given information in a matter-of-fact manner without showing my frustration. “Sweetheart, I understand you don’t like it but I don’t think it’s a wise decision to keep the sensor off. If your body starts to get sick then the doctors won’t know it and it could be a problem for you. So what do you think you’ll do here?” I could see the wheels turning….
And without a word, she picked up the sensor and popped it back onto her finger. Oh wise child!
I knew I was in trouble. She ripped the oxygen sensor off her finger and refused to put it back on.
Recovering from surgery isn’t easy for anyone but it’s especially challenging when the patient is only seven. My daughter was grumpy and uncooperative. That was understandable but not helping the situation. Coming out of surgery, she needed to be monitored; the medical sensors weren’t optional. Kasey was not responding well to the doses of loving kindness and patience shown by those around her. There was nothing anyone could do to satisfy her. She was simply cranky.
“I need a blanket!” I pull up the blanket. She kicks it off with a scowl: “I’m too hot.” Then, “I’m thirsty!” The nurse says, “You’ll throw up. You need to wait awhile.” “No, I want water now!” she cries pitifully. Heart aching, I ask for some water. They give her a red popsicle. That should make her happy if anything will. One little nibble and she resumes her wails for water. “Can’t we give her a little water?” I ask. “What’s the worst that can happen?” So we gave her some water and she was satisfied. Then, she promptly threw up.
I start running through all of my good Love and Logic tools that might help to insure the oxygen sensor stays on her finger. What might work? Enforceable statements? Nah, not the right thing at this moment. Empathy? Yeah but I’m already giving her lots of that. Choices? Ah ha! Let’s try that one. “Would you like the sensor on your finger or your toe?” No response except the stubbornly set chin and a turn of the head.
With a heavy sigh, it struck me again how hard it is to set limits around misbehavior when our child is sick and in pain. When our children are hurting, it is so natural for everyone around them to acquiesce to every demand. We feel so badly for them and just want to make it all better - make it all go away. For a short period of time, that might be tolerable and not harmful. Sometimes we all need a little extra leeway and grace. But when giving leeway impedes good health care or giving understanding enables poor health decisions then thoughtful parenting choices become critical. And correct parenting responses are even more critical when pain and sickness are a part of everyday life.
These circumstances lead many children to understandably become more demanding and entitled. However, continually bowing down to the constant, and at times unreasonable, demands of a spoiled tyrant can be wearing on everyone in the house. And sadly, it doesn’t even help the demanding child that parents may be attempting to pacify. Illness and pain make it hard to know where to draw the line. At what point does a parent say, “I am happy to bring you a popsicle when you ask me nicely?” And how many parents are really strong enough to withstand the tantrum that is likely to ensue?
When a child is chronically ill, guilt often kicks in along with close cousins: sympathy and fear. Guilt, sympathy and fear can control our parental responses before we are really even aware of them. As we trot off to retrieve the demanded item for an ill child, the thought might not even occur to us to accept only polite requests. And if the thought “I don’t like how she is treating me” does occur, it gets drowned out by the other thoughts like “Give her a break, she doesn’t feel well” or “She might get even sicker if I don’t do as she asks” or “I want all of her moments to be happy ones so I won’t say no” or “I have no energy to handle the fighting that is sure to happen if I say no.”
The problem is that the more we give in to a tyrant, the more he demands. ****** is the extreme example that appeasement simply doesn’t work; not for dictators and not for children. We are all part of the same human race with the same only too human nature that says: “I want more.” All who have spent time around a strong willed two- or three-year-old know the truth of Lawrence Kutner’s statement, “The fundamental job of a toddler is to rule the universe.” Left unchecked, demanding toddlers grow up to become controlling and demanding adults.
So, what is a parent to do? How do we best insure that our children cope with their health challenges in productive ways? How do we help them grow up into adults who are respectful, responsible, and hopeful?
Effectively responding to an ill and demanding child starts with an awareness of the dangers of an entitled mentality. Although parents may put up with a child who is demanding, rude, or lacking self control, the real world of adulthood is much less accepting. The best gift a parent can give a child is the opportunity to learn how to treat others with respect and to guide them in taking responsibility for getting their own needs met instead of demanding that others meet those needs.
Parents must effectively deal with arguments when setting limits. One-liners can be very effective. A calmly delivered response such as “I love you too much to argue” can turn down the heat when tempers start to flare - on both sides.
Share control as much as possible. Children who are chronically ill have less control over their bodies, time and circumstances than other kids. Allowing children to make as many decisions as possible helps them feel like they at least have some control in their own lives.
Parents must take good care of themselves by setting loving limits around how they are treated. Gently delivered phrases such as “I will listen to you as soon as your voice is calm like mine” or “I am happy to do nice things for you when I feel treated with respect” or “I’ll get you the remote control when you ask nicely” will help your child learn to treat you, and others, with respect.
When children make mistakes, including treating others badly, wise parents respond with empathy and sadness rather than anger and frustration before delivering consequences. “Oh sweetheart, this is so sad. All of this arguing (or disrespect) has really worn me out today so I won’t be taking you on your play date. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.”
As I gazed at my daughter’s firmly set chin and pursed lips, I pondered how to handle this oxygen sensor issue. I knew telling her to “just do it” wasn’t going to cut it. That would only make her dig in and be more resistant. Of course in the extreme, the doctors could make her keep it on but that’s not what I wanted to do. Forcing a child to comply might win the battle but loses the war of building character and internal ability to make good decisions.
In the end, it was simply allowing her to the freedom to make her own decisions that did it and trusting that she was a good decision-maker if given information in a matter-of-fact manner without showing my frustration. “Sweetheart, I understand you don’t like it but I don’t think it’s a wise decision to keep the sensor off. If your body starts to get sick then the doctors won’t know it and it could be a problem for you. So what do you think you’ll do here?” I could see the wheels turning….
And without a word, she picked up the sensor and popped it back onto her finger. Oh wise child!
Oct
19
Myla Madson asked:
I’ve read a number of articles on how a woman should go about keeping her man happy. Some of these “expert tips” include being spontaneous, adventurous, hang on his every word, talking dirty, dressing **** yada, yada, yada.
I’m assuming for the moment that we are talking about actual full grown adult men here and not some pubescent teenager, right? Articles that suggest you show your man respect and pay attention and value what he has to say, are really quite ridiculous and have been generated for no other reason than to try and push a website or product as weak as their articles are.
You can’t define what a woman should do to keep her man happy for two very simple reasons.
First, all men are different. I know we try and pigeon hole the entire gender, but the fact is, men are as complicated a creature as we ladies are and every man responds to different stimuli.
For example, some men have massive amounts of testosterone coursing through their veins and would respond favorably to an aggressive woman in the bedroom, wearing daring unmentionables and talking dirty. To others, this would be a complete turn off.
Second, men instinctually know when a women is not being sincere. There’s a reason why you have been drawn to an article on how to make your man happy. Chances are good you are very close to losing him or feel he has lost interest in you.
No “expert” can tell you what all men need. The truth of the matter is, your guy is with you for a reason, something originally attracted him to you. It’s time to take a look at yourself in the mirror and see if you are the same person he fell in love with. Go ahead, take a good long look.
I think that if you are being completely honest and objective, your probably not as happy with yourself as you used to be either. We all age, gain weight, grow complacent and lazy. We have families and careers that sap our energy and the easiest thing in your life to neglect unfortunately, is that which you’ve grown comfortable with, your relationship with your man.
If there is one thing the majority of men do not like, it’s slipping down your ever fluctuating scale of what’s important and what can be attended to later.
Most couples meet when they either have no children or their children are older and self sustaining. A whirlwind romance often runs completely out of energy after marriage, children, bills, soccer, cub scouts, bake sales, homework, laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning and on and on the list of daily chores and responsibilities go.
The energy you once focused on the singular him, has now got to be divided between a thousand other things. Just as a plant withers and dies in the shade, so does your relationship.
And you cannot start feigning interest, dressing sexy, talking dirty, being spontaneous and so on if it is not something you are currently doing. You will only confuse the poor man and make matters worse.
What actually may work is to try and schedule at least an hour of uninterrupted alone time and have a serious conversation with him. See if it’s to late to even mend your broken relationship. He may not want to, but if he does show any sign of life at all, you need to explain, with all of your heart, how sorry you are that you have neglected his needs and his feelings, because YOU HAVE!
And so has he of course, but someone must raise the white flag first, so why not let it be you?
There’s noting wrong with admitting that life has gotten in the way of love and that you want more than anything to make things work and try to recapture some of the fire the two of you once shared. The blame game absolutely does not work, don’t even try it. Just extend the olive branch, and if there is any love left in the man, he will return the gesture.
Build from there and promise each other that while you tackle the mundane aspects of your life, you will think about each other and remember what once was, and what could be again some day.
I’ve read a number of articles on how a woman should go about keeping her man happy. Some of these “expert tips” include being spontaneous, adventurous, hang on his every word, talking dirty, dressing **** yada, yada, yada.
I’m assuming for the moment that we are talking about actual full grown adult men here and not some pubescent teenager, right? Articles that suggest you show your man respect and pay attention and value what he has to say, are really quite ridiculous and have been generated for no other reason than to try and push a website or product as weak as their articles are.
You can’t define what a woman should do to keep her man happy for two very simple reasons.
First, all men are different. I know we try and pigeon hole the entire gender, but the fact is, men are as complicated a creature as we ladies are and every man responds to different stimuli.
For example, some men have massive amounts of testosterone coursing through their veins and would respond favorably to an aggressive woman in the bedroom, wearing daring unmentionables and talking dirty. To others, this would be a complete turn off.
Second, men instinctually know when a women is not being sincere. There’s a reason why you have been drawn to an article on how to make your man happy. Chances are good you are very close to losing him or feel he has lost interest in you.
No “expert” can tell you what all men need. The truth of the matter is, your guy is with you for a reason, something originally attracted him to you. It’s time to take a look at yourself in the mirror and see if you are the same person he fell in love with. Go ahead, take a good long look.
I think that if you are being completely honest and objective, your probably not as happy with yourself as you used to be either. We all age, gain weight, grow complacent and lazy. We have families and careers that sap our energy and the easiest thing in your life to neglect unfortunately, is that which you’ve grown comfortable with, your relationship with your man.
If there is one thing the majority of men do not like, it’s slipping down your ever fluctuating scale of what’s important and what can be attended to later.
Most couples meet when they either have no children or their children are older and self sustaining. A whirlwind romance often runs completely out of energy after marriage, children, bills, soccer, cub scouts, bake sales, homework, laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning and on and on the list of daily chores and responsibilities go.
The energy you once focused on the singular him, has now got to be divided between a thousand other things. Just as a plant withers and dies in the shade, so does your relationship.
And you cannot start feigning interest, dressing sexy, talking dirty, being spontaneous and so on if it is not something you are currently doing. You will only confuse the poor man and make matters worse.
What actually may work is to try and schedule at least an hour of uninterrupted alone time and have a serious conversation with him. See if it’s to late to even mend your broken relationship. He may not want to, but if he does show any sign of life at all, you need to explain, with all of your heart, how sorry you are that you have neglected his needs and his feelings, because YOU HAVE!
And so has he of course, but someone must raise the white flag first, so why not let it be you?
There’s noting wrong with admitting that life has gotten in the way of love and that you want more than anything to make things work and try to recapture some of the fire the two of you once shared. The blame game absolutely does not work, don’t even try it. Just extend the olive branch, and if there is any love left in the man, he will return the gesture.
Build from there and promise each other that while you tackle the mundane aspects of your life, you will think about each other and remember what once was, and what could be again some day.
Oct
17
How to Stop a Crying Baby: Parenting Tips : Teething: Crying Babies Parenting Tips
Filed Under Howto | 2 Comments
expertvillage asked:
Learn about teething crying babies in this free child care video with parenting tips for newborns infants.
Oct
17
Making the Holidays Happy for All!
Filed Under Parenting | Leave a Comment
Gigi Andreini Gaggero asked:
For us grown-ups the holidays are a festive time. We travel to the homes of family and friends, or invite them into our own. There we show off our children, and indulge in recipes from our own childhoods.
While we like to think the kids are enjoying themselves, that’s often not the case. Unfortunately for the children this is a time of crazy chaos, uncomfortable clothes that need to stay neat, sitting still for photographs, lengthy car rides, and of course getting kissed and hugged on by family members they may only see once or a twice a year. We’ll hope for their sake your family doesn’t have any cheek pinchers – if so, it’s even worse! Let’s face it – children would rather be grounded to their rooms for life than endure these holiday horrors.
Oh Boy! It’s not hard to imagine how all of this can cause the holidays to be a hassle and bring out the worst in them. This time of year should be fun for all, grownups and children alike. Manners can be taught in a relaxed and fun way that offer up much better results than high expectations and sternness.
Grandparents, parents and friends can help ease the “agony” of holiday meals by following some of these helpful hints on teaching children proper etiquette and good manners in a way that is beneficial to all.
1. The Menu- Face it, we would like them to try all the different and sometimes foreign dishes on the table, but having a few “kid friendly” and familiar dishes like home made mac & cheese will bring a smile to their face. This also assures that they eat something that’s a little better for them than cake, without an ensuing argument and force feeding tactics.
2. The Attire - Allow them to bring a change of clothes along. Try to get any picture taking out of way as soon as possible, and always before food is served. They’ll be much more comfortable, and you’ll know for sure that there won’t be any punch on the front of that white dress shirt.
3. Participation- Encourage them to participate in some of the meal preparation. This can become messy and slow things down a bit, but the pride they show when that dish comes to the table is more then worth it. Cooking together is a great way to enjoy spending time with your child. It allows you to teach them a valuable life skill – and even get a jump start on passing down the family recipes!
4. Education - Teach them an etiquette rule for the day. A fun example would be how to make a toast. Explain to them that a toast should last only a few seconds and is meant to make others feel good. They can make a toast to welcome the family, show special appreciation to a family member, or tell what they are grateful for. Remind them that the person being toasted should never drink to themselves.
5. Decorations - Let them be a part of decorating the holiday table. Send them on a scavenger hunt for holiday decorations to accessorize the table with. Go along with what they choose, it won’t be the perfect table but it will show creative holiday character and your family’s ability to work together.
6. Relaxation – Try to keep things light hearted. Your children want to enjoy the holiday, so let them! If you’re hosting the get together, don’t use linens or tableware that will cause you to go into a panic when sticky fingers stain it or drop it. Before correcting your child for any behavior, make sure that it’s truly warranted – they are after all only children. Expecting them to exude the same decorum as an adult is probably not very realistic. If you feel something must be addressed do so quietly and quickly. There’s no reason to go into a 20 minute lecture over placing elbows on the table in the middle of the meal.
7. Indulgence – The holidays are special occasions. Will having three pieces of pie really matter in the grand scheme of things? Practice healthy eating habits the majority of the time, but let your kids be kids and sample those gooey goodies.
8. Compliments- Show praise and compliment each child equally for all the considerate deeds they did that day. Let them know how grateful you are for them. Be sure to compliment your hosts as well!
9. Clean Up- Encourage them to be involved in the clean up, especially if you’re the host! There are lots of things they can help with. It will make things easier for you, and assure they feel involved.
10. Activity - Do we need to remind you what idle hands can do?? Preparing holiday crafts, taking part in family games, and having conversations that EVERYONE takes part in will assure your children stay out of mischief. These activities will also create some of their fondest holiday memories.
For us grown-ups the holidays are a festive time. We travel to the homes of family and friends, or invite them into our own. There we show off our children, and indulge in recipes from our own childhoods.
While we like to think the kids are enjoying themselves, that’s often not the case. Unfortunately for the children this is a time of crazy chaos, uncomfortable clothes that need to stay neat, sitting still for photographs, lengthy car rides, and of course getting kissed and hugged on by family members they may only see once or a twice a year. We’ll hope for their sake your family doesn’t have any cheek pinchers – if so, it’s even worse! Let’s face it – children would rather be grounded to their rooms for life than endure these holiday horrors.
Oh Boy! It’s not hard to imagine how all of this can cause the holidays to be a hassle and bring out the worst in them. This time of year should be fun for all, grownups and children alike. Manners can be taught in a relaxed and fun way that offer up much better results than high expectations and sternness.
Grandparents, parents and friends can help ease the “agony” of holiday meals by following some of these helpful hints on teaching children proper etiquette and good manners in a way that is beneficial to all.
1. The Menu- Face it, we would like them to try all the different and sometimes foreign dishes on the table, but having a few “kid friendly” and familiar dishes like home made mac & cheese will bring a smile to their face. This also assures that they eat something that’s a little better for them than cake, without an ensuing argument and force feeding tactics.
2. The Attire - Allow them to bring a change of clothes along. Try to get any picture taking out of way as soon as possible, and always before food is served. They’ll be much more comfortable, and you’ll know for sure that there won’t be any punch on the front of that white dress shirt.
3. Participation- Encourage them to participate in some of the meal preparation. This can become messy and slow things down a bit, but the pride they show when that dish comes to the table is more then worth it. Cooking together is a great way to enjoy spending time with your child. It allows you to teach them a valuable life skill – and even get a jump start on passing down the family recipes!
4. Education - Teach them an etiquette rule for the day. A fun example would be how to make a toast. Explain to them that a toast should last only a few seconds and is meant to make others feel good. They can make a toast to welcome the family, show special appreciation to a family member, or tell what they are grateful for. Remind them that the person being toasted should never drink to themselves.
5. Decorations - Let them be a part of decorating the holiday table. Send them on a scavenger hunt for holiday decorations to accessorize the table with. Go along with what they choose, it won’t be the perfect table but it will show creative holiday character and your family’s ability to work together.
6. Relaxation – Try to keep things light hearted. Your children want to enjoy the holiday, so let them! If you’re hosting the get together, don’t use linens or tableware that will cause you to go into a panic when sticky fingers stain it or drop it. Before correcting your child for any behavior, make sure that it’s truly warranted – they are after all only children. Expecting them to exude the same decorum as an adult is probably not very realistic. If you feel something must be addressed do so quietly and quickly. There’s no reason to go into a 20 minute lecture over placing elbows on the table in the middle of the meal.
7. Indulgence – The holidays are special occasions. Will having three pieces of pie really matter in the grand scheme of things? Practice healthy eating habits the majority of the time, but let your kids be kids and sample those gooey goodies.
8. Compliments- Show praise and compliment each child equally for all the considerate deeds they did that day. Let them know how grateful you are for them. Be sure to compliment your hosts as well!
9. Clean Up- Encourage them to be involved in the clean up, especially if you’re the host! There are lots of things they can help with. It will make things easier for you, and assure they feel involved.
10. Activity - Do we need to remind you what idle hands can do?? Preparing holiday crafts, taking part in family games, and having conversations that EVERYONE takes part in will assure your children stay out of mischief. These activities will also create some of their fondest holiday memories.