Len Stauffenger asked:


If you are not satisfied with your verbal interface with your children, or you are not happy with the lack of results, or you’re putting out way too much emotion, here are eight practical techniques to help you that really worked for me when I was raising my daughters. And they turned out just great, so I know they work.

Be Your Word.

Everything you say to your children is a promise or an agreement. Do what you say you’re going to do and you build trust. Trust carries you through when they’re sixteen years old, driving around with their friends and you don’t know what they’re doing.

There was a recent article about the Florida football team which was about to go into the National Championship game against the Ohio State Buckeyes. Florida had a new coach named Urban Meyer. Everyone agreed he had turned the program around. Their season had dramatically improved, even though they essentially had the same talent and schedule. So what was the difference?

To a man, they all emphasize the fact that the new coach had built a greater sense of trust among the players and coaches. They discussed some of his techniques. There were things like practices at midnight and certain competitions he had dreamed up. The important point was he had created a high level of trust.

Your children will be tempted, and since you won’t be there looking over their shoulder, you have to instill character in them. The first step in instilling character is that they see character in you. You are their role model.

Be 100% Responsible

Having integrity means being 100% responsible for everything in your life. It means giving up your reasons and your excuses. Every truly successful person I know lives their life as though they are 100% responsible for everything in their life.

At first blush, many people think this is ridiculous or unrealistic. Other people get the concept but they don’t really live it. This may at first sound like a burden; in reality it’s a freedom.

When you really get that you are 100% responsible for everything in your life, it’s a tremendously freeing experience. It allows you to create your life. This idea isn’t just some quotation you can read and pooh pooh. It’s real. Think about it: if you’re not responsible, if you don’t have control over your own life, then you’re just a victim and whatever makes you unhappy will always make you unhappy because you can’t change it, get rid of it. I know you can see this truth.

Be Genuine

This means being straightforward in your communications and take what you get. This means don’t use force or manipulation as a way of trying to get what you want. We know that we can’t control other people. When you really understand that and accept it, you’ll stop trying to manipulate or force others into achieving the results that you want. Force and manipulation will, at best, only get you a temporary result. Human beings always resist force and manipulation. Force and manipulation are really a product of fear.

When my children were young and they told their mom they wanted to live with Dad all the time, her response was to tell them that if they did that she would disown them. Obviously, I knew she wouldn’t disown them and I told them that. But she got what she wanted temporarily. They went back to live with her for a month. But in short order, they realized Mom wasn’t really going to leave them and then they moved into my house permanently.

Be Free

Learn to give up being right. How many times have we used that as justification for our actions?

When I say give up being right, I’m not saying forget about the concept of right and wrong. It’s incredibly important to teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Giving up being right really relates to the whole idea of control. More specifically, it deals with the fact that you don’t control anyone else. If you’re having an argument with your ex or you’re mad at them because you’re right and they’re wrong, this has nothing to do with making them right and you wrong. It has nothing to do with forgetting about right and wrong. It doesn’t meant that you have to give in to the. I just means you aren’t going to convince them that you’re right. It just means, let it go. Again, think long term. Think what will be effective and what your kids are seeing as you interface with your ex.

Be Courageous

Always deal with issues with your children head-on. My daughters told me throughout high school that their friends were always amazed at all the things they could talk to me about. My daughters would tell me “My girlfriends are amazed about the things I tell you.” Of course, I was forced into this because there was no mom around. The result is that my kids can talk to me about anything - sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. However, our goal here is to raise these children so they become productive and healthy young adults.

When you communicate clearly and openly with your children and develop trust they will come to you with the important issues in their life. Be their guide. You are their anchor. You want them talking to you, not their friends.

Be Peaceful

This comes back to being accepting about what you’re really trying to achieve. Don’t take the easy way out. Develop an early warning system. What are the things in your relationship with your children that irritate, aggravate or anger you? Think about what it is that really angers you.

Whatever you think it is, it really isn’t that. Now you think I’m talking nonsense. Let me give you an example. When my daughters were in high school I used to get really aggravated when they would leave the bathroom a mess. Typically, they would spend hours in the bathroom, doing what girls do, so that they could leave and be beautiful and get to that party. They would make a half-hearted attempt to clean up the bathroom and boom, they were out the door. I’d go upstairs, take one look at the bathroom and become angry because the sink was a mess and the towels were just lying on the floor.

On its face, I was angry because they left the bathroom a mess. When I really analyzed it, I knew I was mad at myself because I was failing as a parent to modify their behavior. That’s what I mean when I say, look at whatever it is that upsets you and whatever you think it is, it’s not really that.

Be Powerful

Don’t be cynical; be inspiring. Act in a way that they are touched and that you make a difference in their lives. A last work about complete ownership: I’ve repeatedly talked about being responsible in your life. Successful parents are responsible. Responsibility in this context is not a burden. It’s not something you have to do, like pay the bills. It’s not about fault or blame. It’s not about guilt of shame. It’s not about getting credit. It isn’t all about your ability to understand things or to say if a thing is moral or ethical. It’s not about what’s good or bad.

Being responsible means being wiling to deal with a situation in your life from the view that you are the creator of your life and of what you do. No one makes you responsible and you don’t make anyone else responsible. It’s a gift you give yourself.

Pass this lesson on to your children. Teach them to be responsible for themselves. Again, not a burden - acknowledge that they determine the consequences of their lives.

Take Nothing Personally

In all of your relationships, in all of your communications, take nothing personally. Observe the world around you. Notice how often people get offended. Look for it. As an experiment, see how many times you can notice someone being offended in a single day. The more you observe it as an outsider, the more comical it becomes. People act like little kids.

Don’t be like everyone else. Step back and be an observer. Watch how people interact with each other. You’ll find it humorous. The more you observe it in other people, the more humorous it is, the funnier it becomes, and the more quickly you’ll realize when you’re doing it, you’ll be able to stop.

If you want your children to turn out great, your success in parenting and your communication with your kids will both benefit from using these tips.

simplylovely asked:


My brother decided to marry to a white woman, we are Japanese. My parents have accepted the fact, but they are not happy. I KNOW my parents are good hearted people. Just wondering if all parents are like that (deep down, they want their kids to marry their own people?)
I have dated outside my race, but I find Asian guys to be the most attractive, but it is just my own taste and preference. =P
Will you parents accept your spouse from different race?

Narvivar Athi asked:


Family means warmness place to stay, happiness time to share, and understanding persons around you. It is also a base of society. If a child comes from the happy family, it is sure that he or she is going to be a good people in the country. Some families are small; maybe have only a couple of lovers. Some are big families; maybe have father, mother, suns, daughters or grand parents stay together.

The beginning of a family comes from love of a man and a woman, which design to spend the life together. Love is adscription word. The power of love can make everything miracle, you can do the thing that you never do before. Moreover the power of it makes you forgive someone with out any commitment. In the opposite way, hot or ardent love can damage anything neither. So it is hard to find true love and stay with someone for ever and ever. Before love somebody you have to learn each other for long time. This part is helping manual for you to know what the true love is and who truly love you.

1. He/she takes heed on you every time not only the early time of love beginning.

2. He/she will do everything that makes you feel happy although it will trouble or hardship to him/her.

3. He/she will beside and listens to you every time you need somebody.

4. He/she will forgive you although you make him/her disappointed.

5. He/she should be not gives you up whenever you have any problem or to be down on your luck.

6. He/she will understand what you think and should be share the opinions to the right way.

7. He/she will accepts everything that is yours; characteristic, habit, property or personality.

8. He/she should be persuades you to do the right or good thing and protest you when you go on misguided way.

9. He/she should be kind to your parents and your cousins.

10. He/she should be open heart and disclosed to you.

After you find the true love and get married with someone. It is sure that you and your lover will have a resent or angry in some days because nobody can not agree with you everything in ten or twenty years that live together.

This part is helping manual for you to understand how to handle your love and stay with someone with the less offend.

1. You have to listen to him/her much before speaking.

2. You have to understand what his/her attitude before decisions everything.

3. You have to patient to the bad satiation, bad even or bad temperature that may crash to your family.

4. Trustfulness is the important base of family. You have to trust him/her.

5. Beside with him/her every time he/she need someone to understand.

6. Try to please him/her in everyday.

7. Do not forget the important day such as his/her birthday or anniversary and give him/her a special present.

8. Forgive him/her when he/she has mistake, try to explain and develop to the good habits.

9. Go outside together for dinner or picnic in some times for change the environment, join the activities and spare time together such as planting flowers and find a puppet to feed.

10. Although you stay with him/her for a long time but do not forget to add the sweetening agent everydays for your life by KISS and say “I LOVE YOU”.

yagman asked:


The W in Christmas

Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience.

I had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing,
endless baking, decorating, and even overspending.

Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the
precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of
Christmas.

My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season
for a six year old.

For weeks, he’d been memorizing songs for his school’s Winter Pageant.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d be working the night of the
production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher.
She assured me there’d be a dress rehearsal the morning of the
presentation.

All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then.
Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.

So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes
early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I
saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats.
As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class,
accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each
group, one by one, rose to perform their song.

Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday
as Christmas, I didn’t expect anything other than fun, commercial
entertainment songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer.

So, when my son’s class rose to sing, Christmas Love, I was slightly
taken aback by its bold title.

Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy
mittens, red sweaters, and bright snow caps upon their heads.

Those in the front row- center stage - held up large letters, one by one,
to spell out the title of the song.

As the class would sing C is for Christmas, a child would hold up the
letter C. Then, H is for Happy, and on and on, until each child holding
up his portion had presented the complete message, Christmas Love.

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a
small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter M upside down -
totally unaware her letter M appeared as a W.

The audience of 1st through 6Th graders snickered at this little one’s
mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall,
proudly holding her W.

Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued
until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together.

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated
the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose
for our festivities.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

C H R I S T W A S L O V E

And, I believe, He still is.
Amazed in His presence….humbled by His love.

Again, HAVE A BLESSED Christmas and a Happy New Year.
LOVE IN CHRIST. Miracles happen to those who believe in them.

Heather Ledeboer asked:


When I became a mom, something magical happened. An inner strength and desire to protect, love and nurture rose up within me. Desires, dreams and fears awakened in my heart that once lay dormant. I felt fit for the task and excited for the adventure of motherhood that stretched out ahead me. When my relatives went home and my husband returned to work I believe I handled the change exceptionally well. That is until our fridge containing a few leftovers and several bottles of ****** milk finally forced us to venture out of the house to the grocery store. Until this point, I really felt that I was pulling off my new mommy role quite well. However, I had no idea that my little 5 pound 10 oz hunk of love could require so much extra effort for something as simple as a run to the store. Between loading and unloading the car seat, diaper bag, stroller, and to-do list I felt as though I may as well have been charting territory in a foreign land. After I returned home from that first adventure, I boldly decided that running errands alone with my baby was just too much work. The thought of pulling my Cadillac stroller and heavy car seat in and out of my car for another excursion was simply more than I could bear. Later that week, a lady at church breezed past my son and I, holding her new baby in a sling. Both she and her baby looked happy, content and close. In that moment, I knew I had to have one. I had just discovered my ticket to freedom.

Love At First Sight

I loved my first baby carrier so much that I started buying and trying other types of carriers to see how they compared. Each one seemed to offer something slightly unique and different that I loved. I was amazed at how many types, styles and variations were available. It was like a secret world opening up for me. I started learning that babywearing offered many benefits to the child including crying less, learning more, and increased IQ! I found out that babies that are “worn” also have been shown to exhibit reduced colic and spit-up with increased cardiac output and improved circulation. Not to mention the benefits for me! I could nurse with the carrier, shop without a bulky stroller and I was hands free and able to get things done around the house!

Taking it to the next level

As my collection of baby carriers grew, so did my knowledge of how to use them and the pros and cons of each style. If my son was just fussy and needing to be close on and off throughout the day or if I was making a quick run into the store I loved my pouch style slings such as the New Native Baby Carrier or The Peanut Shell. The simple tube design was quick to slip on over my arm and head to my shoulder. The way it hung on my body looked much like sash. I loved how easy it was to wear it like this throughout the day. It did not feel bulky or in the way and whenever I wanted to wear my son, I could slip him into the pouch in a matter of seconds–it was so easy to use. For days when I really needed to get work done around the house or for longer shopping trips, I often reached for my wrap style carriers. Wrap carriers, such as a Moby wrap or Moby D, are a specially designed strip of fabric. The long, (often stretchy) fabric is cleverly wrapped around your torso, over your shoulders, around your torso again and then secured at your waist with a knot or a d-ring. I found the wrap carriers to have a slight initial learning curve.

However, the clearly marked instructions quickly eased my mind and after my first few attempts I was a believer. Because their straps go over both shoulders and securely wrapped around me and my baby, he felt very close. I felt very comfortable, secure and ready to move. For long durations of wear, the wrap carriers became my staple. Finally, if I was visiting friends or family that wanted to share in the fun of baby wearing, I brought along my adjustable slings such as a Maya Wrap or Rockin Baby Sling. These adjustable carriers were very similar to the pouch style in the way that they hung from one shoulder to the opposite hip like a sash. However, they had an extra tail of fabric looped though a d-ring positioned by your shoulder. Although I did not enjoy the extra bulk created by this fabric tail when I was using the sling alone, it certainly allowed for an easy, adjustable, customized fit for all body types when I was sharing it with others. These adjustable carriers (as well as the wrap carriers) are also an economical choice for parents to share with each other rather than buying two separate sizes since they are a one size fits all option.

They each have a place in my heart

All of the carriers could be used from birth to 35 pounds and each offered a variety of carrying positions. So when I need a carrier, my question was not necessarily which carrier to use, but rather what need to fill. Each carrier was my favorite in its own special way. I feel that other moms can benefit from my experience when looking for their own ideal baby carrier. After all, just as no two mamas are alike, neither are their preferences for baby carriers. I compiled a sling comparison chart comparing a wide variety of baby carriers side by side under factors such as “reduces back strain”, “easy on, easy off”, and “discreet nursing”. Thankfully, with the myriad of choices available, and the right kind of helpful information, any mom is bound to find the baby carrier that is perfect for times when the arms give out but her heart just won’t let go. Equipped with the right carrier, she can join me and venture out of her home to chart new territory in a foreign land with her hands free to record her findings for future generations.

Tiffany asked:


Chapter 2

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Letter to an Expectant Father [Summer, 1986]
Dear Patrick :
Your excitement in anticipation of the birth of your first child - I heard it in your voice yesterday as we talked on the phone - took me right back 22 years when I, too, was about to become a father. So I admonished you, as I do all new parents, Don’t ever punish that child!

When I said that our two sons had been brought up successfully without punishment of any kind, you asked me to write about it for your magazine [John Holt's Growing Without Schooling]

Just As I was thinking, as you are now, what kind of parent I was going to be, and agonizing over the duty of correcting behavior, something happened that changed my life: a copy of A. S. Neill’s incredible book, SUMMERHILL - A Radical Approach to Childrearing, fell into my hands. Neill taught me how extraordinary the possibilities when we really respect children, and place our trust in them and the democratic process.

As a victim of severe child abuse at the hands of a brutal guardian in a freelance foster home (this was in the back hills of Vermont in the 30s), I could see, at first, few alternatives to a good slap or a sound thrashing, when needed. I had known no other. Abandoned by my mother at age four and by my father at age seven, I was farmed out to work for my keep.

For five years I labored, serving as a front for a criminal abortion racket. I was beaten regularly and severely with a hardwood stick - for the sin of being a child. My indoctrination in the hellfire and brimstone of Christian fundamentalism forced the belief that, having been born in sin, I deserved the frequent beatings, the shaming and humiliation. Endure it without complaint, and my reward will be in heaven. Expect no happiness in this life.

In college courses I discovered there were other ways of controlling a child’s behavior. Yet, as a philosophy student, I was rankled by the question: Control for what purpose? And for whose? Later, as a public school teacher, I never used punishment, never sent a pupil to the principal, and yet had no problem with discipline. Nonetheless, as I approached fatherhood I assumed I would have to spank, determined as I was to be a good father. (Such is the strength of the roles society assigns us.) But I couldn’t accept that. Is there no better way of treating children? I asked.

So I researched the psychology literature, and could find not one alternative to the behaviorists’ reward and punishment, carrot-and-stick, conditioning. Any suggested alternatives to assault amounted to subterfuge, trickery, or outright lies. All seemed manipulative, exploiting advantages any adult has over the innocent and trusting. To me, those were all unethical, disrespectful, demeaning, and certainly harmful. If we can’t make ourselves worthy of the child’s trust, I asked, then who are we? If a child’s faith in our word and our protection is not sacred, what is?

Then I learned that almost all Americans, to some degree, have a deep emotional investment in dominating and exploiting children to meet their own emotional needs. And the reason they do, though not consciously, is to suppress the horrible memory of their own victimization as children.

My own gulag-type experience, I saw, was no different in kind from 95% of all other children - only in degree. Nearly all children are either attacked with sticks, switches, paddles, and other weapons, as I was, or they were slapped, spanked, shaken, pinched punched, and kicked. All were yelled at and suffered humiliation and indignities and told it was not only good for them, it was by Biblical command.

Some children today endure only face slaps, spankings, go to your rooms and the now-popular time-outs. Others, like me, barely escape with their lives. The list of those who don’t survive it grows with every edition of the news. Despite the headlines, our ghastly tradition of physical and emotional violence against children continues.

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Little children love the world. That is why
they are so good at learning about it.
For it is love, not tricks and techniques of thought,
that lies at the heart of all true learning.
Can we bring ourselves to let children
learn and grow through that love?
John Holt

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A few years later, my college students, future teachers and parents, vehemently defended their right, their DUTY, to force children, in any way necessary, to submit to authority. Otherwise, they feared, the inmates would take over the home, the classroom, and/or the asylum. My sons, they argued, must be exceptional, or over-conditioned robots. Or that I had exceptional patience, (a charge which invariably provoked laughter). Nothing would convince them that punishment was not necessary - until I brought my pre-school boys and their mother into the classroom. Henry and Russell, by their naturalness and authenticity, brought all argument to an end. Just by being genuine, they charmed their pants off.
To go back: I began with vowing NEVER to use physical punishment. And for good reason: I could not risk releasing on children the rage within me, internalized by my earlier beatings. Then I became intrigued by the philosophical question: How can ANY punishment of children be justified - ethically or otherwise? I searched the literature for months - and could find no valid justification. The pro-punishment argument came down to this: The child must submit to our will, because children are born bad, and we must shape them to suit us and society. That, clearly, would not stand as valid on any grounds.

When the babies came I realized I knew nothing. So I looked to them to teach me who they were, how they learn, and how they should be treated. Then my real education concerning childrearing began, for my sons taught me the most important things I know.

My FIRST surprise came in discovering how EASY it is to raise children if they are not taught lessons. I had imagined I would have to develop patience - of which I had not an ounce. To my astonishment, it didn’t require any. The alternatives to punishment now seem obvious to me, and so much fun!

The SECOND surprise was how well behaved, how spontaneous and enjoyable and lovable children can be when not living under the threat of violence or humiliation or correction. And how they naturally search out what they need to learn - without lessons, without teaching or preaching or any sort of coercion. No preparing for life, no bending the twig, no shaping and forming. No authoritarian control.

The THIRD big surprise was how HAPPY our family was in contrast to the suppression, the competitiveness, and the underlying resentment so evident in other homes, those heavy vibes that kill spontaneity and warmth. On witnessing the callousness and incivility dealt children in stores, homes and the street, my sons would whisper in shock and horror, Daddy, why is that lady hitting that boy?

The FOURTH surprise to me was how quickly and eagerly they assumed the responsibility for their own behavior, how mature they were compared to others their ages. This quality is what impressed my students most.

And the FIFTH and biggest surprise was how a simple change in my view and thinking - that is, dismissing as an option all punishment - brought about a positive and remarkable change in me as a person. Unburdened of father-authority-punisher self-concept, I was rapidly becoming a more understanding, a more compassionate, a more loving person.

My colleagues and friends began commenting on it; I was a lot more enjoyable to be around, they said, - what happened? I felt better about myself, more self-accepting and approving, therefore I developed more tolerance, more compassion. I had more self-respect, confident now that I was not the kind of person who would exploit or harm any child. And I was greatly unburdened of the internal conflict between loving my children on the one hand, and inflicting pain in the name of parental duty on the other. I am now convinced that letting go of the punitive mentality can rapidly make any person happier, more self-accepting, and more understanding, even if they have no children of their own.

Comes the inevitable question: So what did you DO instead of punishing, instead of spanking, say, for disobeying by running into the road? (Why is this always the example? It is the universal justification for walloping children - for their own good.) Their mother and I recognized that punishing does not teach safety, it teaches fear. And all punishment forces the burden - sometimes life or death - squarely on the child, conveniently allowing the parent to avoid responsibility for the safety of the child. (I TOLD him not to run into the road!)

The boys and I decided to install an inexpensive three-foot high wire fence (see PWP issue No. 1) around the front yard where they could play in safety, in view and within earshot of the kitchen. During the times we walked near traffic, we held their hands, with no fear-talk about getting run over, killed, so forth.

Instead of the bedtime tantrums we saw in other homes, we developed an evening routine of clean-up, sitting on laps and story reading plus music listening. In our weekly family meetings, bedtime was negotiated, arrived at by consensus. With shared authority, there was no problem. The clock, not the parents, announced time for bed. No tears, no hassle.

In family meetings, everything was fair game for questioning, for discussion and negotiation - with one exception: Health and Safety. Here we, as parents, reserved dictatorial control. The message was clear and firm: We are responsible for your growing up safely and in good health. It is our job to protect you, even from yourself if necessary, and we intend to do a good job of it. But unless we can justify a given instance as a matter of either health or safety, no one has a right to interfere with your chosen activities.

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European Countries That Forbid Any Form of Physical Punishment of Children: Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Croatia, Latvia, Germany, Italy
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The boys readily accepted that - indeed they were delighted with limits that made sense, combined with a general freedom to follow their interests. We sometimes explained dangers, but without instilling fear. We rarely announced rules to obey. What few rules there were came out of family meeting decisions. The boys were then able to enjoy their childhood, with its serious business of play, and know the security of parental care.
The alternative to punishment is not neglect, as so many parents assume - and even seem to wish. It is not permissiveness, the claim of those who know only the extremes of punishment and neglect. The alternative to punishment is accepting the RESPONSIBILITY of providing a growing-up environment free from fear, free from hazards, and free from domination, and not forcing it on the children with punishment.

Don’t forget to send me a birth announcement. If you ever think it necessary to inflict punishment in any form on your child, give me a call first. - Norm

UP-DATE: Henry and Russell, now ages 35 and 36, live happy and fulfilling lives with their respective successful careers and families. Both earned college degrees, neither went to jail despite all the dire warnings from friends, colleagues and students that they would tear out the drapes, dump paint in my typewriter, and set fire to the cat.

P.S.: Henry and his wife have made me a grandfather. To all of us, the idea of punishing little Charlotte is unthinkable.

Why We Can’t Wait

I AM PUBLISHING THESE CHAPTERS BECAUSE we need to get serious about making changes in how children are viewed and treated. We cannot wait yet another generation to reduce the hatred and violence in our fast-deteriorating society, and because the price of punishment is too high in human suffering.

For most of my life there was at least the excuse that we didn’t know any better. But serious large-scale research on the long-term effects of punishment began in the 1940s, and during the past 25 years overwhelming evidence has been amassed showing the counter-productive nature of punishment. The cost in human suffering is beyond calculation, the cost to taxpayers amounts to billions of dollars annually in medical care and therapy responses to spouse-bashing, mental illness, large-scale clinical depression, plus a justice system to deal with nearly every adolescent criminal offense from date-rape to murder. America’s War On Children has gone on far too long.

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PUNISHMENT DIMINISHES OR DESTROYS:
1. the child’s love for you
2. self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance - the child’s, and yours
3. the child’s respect for you
4. the child’s capacity to live a healthy life with minimum stress and internal conflicts
5. the ability to accept responsibility
6. the capacity to love another person, or themselves
7. the right to a happy, loving, home, safe from fear
8. the child’s creative drive, learning - , and later, earning - power
9. the chances of growing up to be non-violent parents and spouses
10 their parents’ chances of evolving into happy, stress-free human beings

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NETWORK NEWS NOTICES
Websites worth visiting: www.nospank.net is Jordan Riak’s organization, PTAVE (Parents And Teachers Against Violence in Education). His booklet, Plain Talk About ******** has been read by thousands nation-wide. His non-profit and the one below are vital supporters in our local effort during April.

The Annual Spank-Out Day - April 30 - is sponsored by EPOCH-USA’s Center For Effective Discipline (www.stophitting.org).

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Continuing Narrative: The Strange Case of the Children Who Were Not Punished

Crayons on the walls.
The lovely old farmhouse we lived in had beautiful oak frames around each door. Henry and Russell had just begun drawing on them when I happened by. Orange door frames? I asked. That won’t do.

But how can we draw on the walls with our crayons? Henry wanted to know.

Well let’s figure out how that can be possible, I said. The discussion ranged from coloring books, to large sheets of newspaper on the dining room table, to maybe bidding on an easel at an auction, if there was an auction with one and no one else bid on it. But the discussion always returned to the desire to draw standing up and drawing large-scale. Admittedly the wall was perfect for that. How about if the wall has the paper on it? someone - I think it was I - said.

We don’t have paper big enough, came the objection.

Then where can we find big-enough paper?

Further talk brought us to newspapers again, but it was already drawn on - with ink. What about newsprint, newspapers before it was covered with ink? Where can we find some? The newspaper printing plant! A quick search in the phone book, and fast phone call gave us the information we needed: Yes, they had end rolls of newsprint they’d give us cheap. A trip to the plant and $3 got us all the paper we’d ever need.

We began on one corner of the dining room, exactly the place they had begun drawing on the woodwork, and proceeded, masking-taping our way, all around the room, skipping the doorways, of course. Then the entire family joined the crayon party. After a week or so we tired of looking at it, tore it down, put up fresh paper, and did it again. What a great time we had!

That went on for several days. When it was over, it was over. They never again wrote or drew on the walls, or even mentioned the idea.
http://www.nopunish.net/pwp-ch2.htm

D D AGARWAL asked:


1. Continue efforts in case of failures till you get success.

(a.) Ant and its philosophy:

(i) Whatever obstacles are placed in front of ant, either it goes around under it or above it.

(ii) Ant never quits and it is focused on its goals.

(iii) When it is summer, it plans for winter i.e. it has tremendous planning ability.

(iv) Commitment to do its best.

(v) Team is together empowering to achieve more.

(vi) Humility is strength not weakness.

(vii) Team and team intelligence.

(viii) Communication chain – move in chain.

2. Failures to be treated as learning experience.

3. (a) O God! Give me the strength to change what I ought to change.

(b) Give me the courage to accept what I can not change.

(c) Give me the serenity to know the difference.

4. There is absolutely no need for an external peaceful atmosphere for one to pray or meditate, it is possible to pray without mantras and shlokas provided one has peace within.

5. Contemplation:

(a) the most intelligent of all is a person who refuses to profit from his miseries.

(b) You can not demystify the mystery of life

(c) Kindly follow the traditions.

(d) I do not dance because I am happy, I am happy because I dance.

(e) Prayer is not to lighten your burden but to strengthen your back

(f) Fear is similar to darkness, absence of love is fear.

(g) Plan for your future, there is no harm in that but your fear about the future would only ruin your happiness.

(h) Life is a series of examinations, we need to pass them with flying colours; this is the gift we can offer to god.

6. Greed is one of the sources of unhappiness. If we allow it to expand unreasonably,

Then joy or peace of mind would be casualty. Happiness and satisfaction are within us. Water poured into a cracked pot will not remain in it; similarly people without contentment can not be happy. Think for a while! Is there any difference between the dog biting the dry bone and those human beings gaining pleasure from cigarettes and alcohol.

7. The joy and happiness are not outside us but within us. Story of a rich man not having peace placed all his wealth at the feet of a yogi. The yogi ran away and the person thought he had been cheated, so he ran behind the yogi and ultimately got hold of him. The yogi returned the wealth. The person was very happy. With the same wealth he was unhappy and now with the same he was happy.

8. The kingdom of Heaven is within you, do not get lost in the trivial aspects of life.

9. Unhappy mind often gives small things a big shadow. Therefore, do not miss seeing the bigger gifts of life.

10. Life is like a lock and understanding is like a key. Let alertness be your inner guide and not tension. Be alert and attentive to what a man is and not to what he has been. If you are tense, you are wrong. If you are joyful, you are right.

11. Knowledge is often a mask we wear to hide our ignorance. Let us open wide the window of wisdom. A house full of fowls and animals was all stinking. The husband complained to the swami. The swami told to open the windows but that will allow pigeons to fly away. So to save the pigeons, we do not open the windows of wisdom and continue to suffer of stinking.

12. Treat each experience as a unique experience. In this wordless experience, you start relaxing. Then you will find your life not being a series of vacuum or emotional dungeons.

13. Do not complain too much. The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets replaced often. Depression, fear, anger, disgust are generated by our thoughts and the thoughts are where we allow the words to flow freely without moving our lips or tongue thoughts take place. We should not make negative statements such as “It is so boring “, “I’m so tired, “I feel so bad, etc. Buddha went for alms but the house lady rebuked. He did not mind as “he did not accept those words”. Never call yourself a failure.

14. Most of us are lazier in mind than in body.

15. Whenever ugly heads are raised by depression, low self esteem etc. It is a good idea to boost ourselves telling, “I am born to be successful”; “I am a great achiever”. Call “Rama”,”Rama”, when bad thoughts come. Heart attack patient comes to doctor and talks about lottery. He tells the doctor that in case he got a lottery for four laws, he shall give one to him. On hearing this, the doctor got heart attack.

16. A king tells a sage that he had vast wealth and kingdom but still was not happy. The sage told him that “He will be happy when I die”. The king readied himself to kill him. The sage told him “I” does not mean “He”, but “I” means ego i.e. “Iness”. So petty egos hide the vast happiness of heart.

17. Do not be trapped in the tradition of “ego” but purify it. Attitude of egoless ness creates attitude of joy. Executives who are very busy in office are chided by wife for sitting late hours in office. He asks swami the way out. Swami told that one executive came from office early and his wife complained that he was always around. So it is not quantity of time spent with wife but quality. So if you speak for ten minutes with love that should be enough.

18. Ego is edging lead out. A shallow man is one who is full of oneself. Transform ego into prayer.

19. There are two types of boring people – those who talk too much and those who listen too less. “We know every thing “philosophy”. Hawker selling fans for life. Raja asks for one but it got broken in a day. Raja called him but the hawker told that it should have been placed at one place and face moved around it. That way it would have lasted for life

20. We create maps and want people to fit into our maps. We are experts in justifying our follies.

21. God creates opportunities but expects us to search for them.

22. We face problems in life and get disturbed but if we are opportunistic, we should take problems as opportunities. A journalist was sent to cover independence celebrations on a vessel but the journalist returned without any coverage. When other journalist asked why he was not preparing any report, he told that there was some trouble in the ship, so there was no celebration. The other journalist ran to the ship and made out a report after checking out the reason for the trouble and it made a good report.

23. You know the art of destroying. I know the art of joining. Many view even a small matter through a magnifying glass and get terrified. A lady worked up with her son not listening to her and got afraid if she shall marry him with the girl of his choice. The marriage of the son was far away and she had fear of the marriage and not to the listening at that time. Do not consider the problem as punishment; take it as a challenge and you will feel energized. A palace was put for sale and 10% of proceeds were to go for charitable cause. The palace was likely to fetch high value. So the owner was not prepared to give so much for donation. He therefore devised a method. He put the palace and a cat for sale and told that the price of palace was one thousand rupees and that of the cat one million rupees and that the two shall have to be bought together. This way he donated one hundred rupees (10% of the sale price of palace). Therefore prayer is not a demand draft. The divine honors no drafts when there are no deposits. So let there be a

Deposit first and that too of gratitude in your prayer.

24. Anger: There can be so many reasons for getting angry. When we deem ourselves to be inferior. There is a reaction and it shows up as anger. There is neither hell nor heaven. Hell or heaven is states of mind only. Reactive mind is hell and responsive mind is heaven.

25. Marriage is a commitment to change each other’s habit for better living. Mental hospital case where one patient standing upside down had been calling Laila! Laila! A visitor asked him why he had been crying. He was told that he wished to be married with Laila but could not. So he has been crying for her. The visitor then saw another patient too crying Laila! Laila! On asking for reason he was told that he had by force been married with Laila and is not happy with her. So he is crying. The major trouble in married life occurs when couple begins with a firm resolve that they should have no difference of opinion whatsoever. But when differences arise they are not able to compromise due to ego and no compassion.

26. Do not worry about the future. We are manipulative but we ourselves are not aware pf our manipulations. Today is tomorrow of yesterday. One should not worry for the past or the future. Worry about the present only.

27. This moment, this minute is absolute. What is inseparable wealth in our life, the reply is this minute, this moment. Be alive to the present and stay clear. No one can climb a mountain just by gazing at it. One has to act only.

28. Male or female, old or young, there is great power within each one of us. On a son’s birthday in Italy, a football match was arranged. The two teams were fighting for the ball. The son told to give one more ball and each team shall have a ball and no more fighting. Rather than enjoying what one had, he cribs for what he does not have. Humanity’s favorite sport is search for happiness. So search for it wisely. Mullah returns from work. The wife finding a long hair on his coat fights that he had been with a lady. Next day again she finds a white hair and fights that he had been with an old lady. Third day he saw to it that there was no hair. Then the wife fought saying that he had been with a bald lady.

29. Treat problems as challenges and have fun with life. Many people have faith in their doubts and doubt in their faiths. An enlightened man is never confused by what he can not understand but a fool is sure to be. Making SIX from NINE by a single line.

30. Each one has his own perception. Woodcutter’s wife goes across the river to meet a grocer after fighting with her husband. She is eaten by a cheetah. Who is responsible!

31. Most of us constantly think as to what we can get from others and we rarely contemplate what we can give to others. God once came to earth. Everyone begged for one thing or the other. God went inside the mankind as he could not satisfy all. So even God cannot meet everybody’s demands. To know and not act on what you know is equal to not knowing at all. Taking a cup of tea with great sense of prayer and gratitude. Discover the power of gratitude and existence will comfort you. Value the power of gratitude. Let it be your mantra or inner song then you will grow and not just swell.

32. Failure is a fertilizer for success. Learn from failures. Failure in life is one who lives and fails to learn. A shoe company sends a man to find out potential of shoes selling in an African country. He came and said there was no scope as every one lived bare-footed. The owner said there was a great potential as every one walked bare-footed, so all will need shoes. .

33. Contemplation:

(a) Fear not tomorrow, God, the almighty is already there.

(b) Be thankful if your work is little harder than you want as you will get used to harder work. A knife can not be sharpened on a piece of velvet.

(c) Be grateful for what you have and not sad for what you do not have.

(d) Be a possibility thinker.

(e) If you do not plan, you will perish.

“Fresh fish sold here” was a sign board. All our problems are like the signboard of the fisherman. Once we learn to view the problem in right perspective, our problem will disappear. In order to face problems what we need is ‘objective vision’ and in order to see something, we need awareness.

34. Think of doubt as an invitation welcoming you to think. Man loves objects and uses people instead of loving people and using objects.

35. Lord Krishna has expounded in Gita ‘Learn to view equally both sorrow and joy; be open to joy; be open to sorrow. Try to learn from both – clarity will emerge. This clarity will bring you bliss.

36. An untrained mind creates its own problems of unhappiness. Misidentify with an unhappy mind and treasure your experiences. The past should only tutor us and not torture us. Very few people live; most of us are committing ******* by unwisely desiring. Hope for the best and accept the worst. Joy is not the absence of problems. There are certain flowers which will not yield their fragrance until they are crushed.

37. There are joys and distresses in our lives. Remember joys and forget distresses. On a birthday of house lady, everyone gave presents. Her husband gave a beautiful saree. She was very happy. Went to temple, where she got the sari spoiled with lamp oil. She forgot all joys and distressed with sari having been spoiled.

38. Drishti, shrishti and vadaa. Our thoughts affect our body. A man after getting ready went to office. Every one on way and in office asked why he appeared tired. He actually fell sick. We must consider that our happiness is more important than our beliefs.

39. (A) Better be with enlightened people in prison than fools in paradise.

(b) Education means destroying the problematic mind and not stuffing the memory.

(c) Imagination is more important than knowledge.

(d) Imagination, inspiration and commitment to excel is the mother of creativity.

There is a negative belief in us. We have to kill that and try to be positive.

40. (A) Acting on a good idea is better than having a good idea.

(b) The most difficult things to open are a closed mind and heart.

41. People lie down and slumber all the time saying that every thing is so boring. During holidays, students sitting idle at home say it is boring. English, Arab and Indian found a piece of cake. They decided to put it in a container and sleep deciding that whoever gets the best dream could have the cake. Next day Englishman said he saw God, who took him to a garden and showed a lot of wonderful things. Arab said God appeared in his dream too but he took God to his garden and showed him Arabian magic. Indian said God appeared in his dream too. He looked at him and said “You such a fool having cake and still dreaming. First go at once and eat the cake.” So he ate the cake as he could not disobey God. Hearing this, the other two were baffled. They opened the container and found the cake missing. “Whichever activity provides us with great joy, we should never postpone doing it”. Learn to enjoy little things as there are many of them rather than wasting time to have the big things only.

42. For every problem we say Oh! God, “My wife is not good changing her character”. “My children are not O.K. and so on. So we continuously keep nagging God to change others around us but do not change ourselves. Do not postpone being happy. Our prayers are so often mechanical.

43. Life lived happily is the measure of a successful life. Discover the treasure of happiness within. Happiness is the result of not investing in misery.

44. The worst boss anyone can have is a bad habit. Habits are either the best of servants or the worst of masters. Develop a habit of being happy and pure. A rabbit to be delivered to a lady ran away. Rather than catching the rabbit, the servant stood quietly. Other people asked him to catch the rabbit but he said where should the rabbit go, he had the address safe with him. Therefore, do not get satisfaction with address and allow the rabbit to run away. Being foolish is a great punishment. An employee was not well. His colleagues suggested that it was already three o’clock and the manager will not return. He went to his home and saw boss’s car parked outside his home. He stealthily went inside his house and saw the manager in bed with his wife. He returned to office unnoticed and told that he escaped from being caught. Now who caught whom? If one is foolish, look what price he has to pay for it. It is not enough to collect degrees from universities, one should also be intelligent.

Be a winnower and not the sieve. The sieve allows good stuff to pass through pores while retaining the waste and the winnower discards the stones and chaff and retains the good grains.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy today. Do not waste time by grieving over a bad yesterday. Who knows tomorrow may not be as good as today.

Ebohr Munoz asked:


When a relationship ends there is an important transition from partners to parents. This can be an awkward and painful process that is not always easy to manage. You will be creating a new way of relating to each other at a difficult time. Empathy and patience is needed along with a commitment to clear boundaries.

Understanding Separation

After separation you may wonder whether to accept your former partner’s invitation to coffee – if you do what would you talk about? Do you ask your partner to stay for dinner when the kids are dropped off? What about sitting together at your child’s school concert? If you see them crying or upset, how do you respond or provide support?

Creating a relationship as separated parents will be different for every couple. Unfortunately some will be in conflict for years, others manage polite business-like conversations, then there are those who can eventually form a good friendship.

Separation can be a time of significant stress and hurt. If there is one person who initiated the separation they will be in a much different position to the one who has had to accept the decision. The initiator usually will have experienced emotional distress prior to deciding separation and this distress will ease after separation. The non-initiator takes a while to catch up and is often still reeling from the separation for a while.

A New Way of Relating

Isolina Ricci in her book Mom’s House Dad’s House uses the term “retreat from intimacy” to describe the process of moving away from being an intimate couple towards creating a new basis for a relationship centred around the children.

She explains intimacy from two perspectives: “positive intimacy” which is the positive feeling of connection, warmth and reciprocity between a couple; secondly there is “negative intimacy” which are the negative patterns of disrespect, conflict or hostility that some couples experience in times of relationship stress. If negative intimacy has been a common and recent experience it sets a very risky foundation for future parenting.

Ricci makes the point that retreating from intimacy means the end of the partner relationship – this is a painful but necessary first step to accept. The next step is to create a relationship which has the courtesies and formalities of a business relationship. Friendship may develop later but only when a new foundation has been built without the risk of emotional volatility.

Negative Intimacy and Risks for Children

If negative intimacy was a characteristic of your relationship as a couple, a commitment must be made to end this pattern. Research highlights that ongoing conflict between separated parents is one of the most significant risks for children’s wellbeing and future mental health. The way out of this pattern is to adopt a business relationship as your new model. Why a business relationship? Because of the dangers of mixed messages and risks of triggering negative intimacy.

Characteristics of a “Business Relationship”

When I work with clients I often hear them say that a business relationship sounds distant and cold after having shared a life together. Others are horrified by the idea that they should be polite to someone who they feel has hurt them so much.

If you think about relationships and communication that you can have with a co-workers or a customer, there can be genuineness and a positive feeling but there are also clear boundaries. There are unspoken rules about how you speak to each other and what you will or won’t talk about.

Ricci describes a number of characteristics of the parenting business relationship:

*Not making assumptions

*Respecting personal privacy with low personal disclosure

*Courteous and polite communication

*Having clear agreements

*Minimal confrontation with low emotional intensity

*Building trust by following through on commitments

If a parent hopes to reconcile the relationship, the best start is to make a business relationship work well without trying for friendship.

Avoid Mixed Messages

The initiator of a separation needs to be particularly careful about giving mixed messages which give a hope of the relationship reconciling. The initiator sometimes feels guilty when they see the other person so upset. With the best of intent they may provide emotional support like a partner or close friend would. The risk here is that this support can be misinterpreted as affection or re-connection and when it is later withdrawn or not repeated there can be a strong negative reaction. If the initiator notices that they feel guilty they need to remind themselves that the end of relationship involves both parties even if one person makes the final decision. Words of comfort and empathy can be practiced but you avoid becoming the support person.

What’s Wrong With Being Friends?

The goal of friendship is a very positive aspiration and is achievable. One problem is that people cross the line too easily into sensitive relationship issues and when they get a negative response they find it too difficult to control their own reaction - the result is an escalation into conflict.

Consider one example of a man who had left the relationship after his affair. His former partner was devastated and they went through a rocky period. After some months she invited him for dinner to try to put the past behind. He saw this as a sign that they could now be friends. With good humour he told her that it would be good for her if she went out more and asked if she had started seeing anyone. This opened up an old wound for her -“How dare he rub my nose in the affair!” she thought - leading to a strong reaction. He realised his comment was out of place but was offended by her strong reaction – “I don’t deserve this? What’s wrong with her?”- then he angrily retaliated. So much for the dinner!

Making a Business Relationship Work

To make a business relationship work it helps to recognise that it will be awkward for both of you.Keep reminding yourself that this is a parent-to-parent relationship. This role requires a respectful relationship with clear guidelines.

Make a commitment to avoiding conflict and do not start discussion of a sensitive issue if you are too emotional. A clear head is needed in business. Time can be set aside to discuss parenting and treat this as a business meeting where common courtesies are the norm.

Privacy should be respected. Avoid inquiry about their private lives – their friends, new relationships and other interests are off limits for discussion.

Create clear agreements, do not rely on assumptions that you could make when you were a couple.

Follow through. Honouring your agreements is essential to building trust.

Build other support networks, your partner is no longer your confidante and emotional support.

Don’t expect a pat on the back. If you can give positive feedback that is great, but don’t expect it back.

Be persistent. The pay off is worth it for you and your kids,

For more relationship advice visit my website http://www.commonground.net.au/Resources_Articles_Relationships_Personal_Development.html

submit111@gmail.com asked:


It’s not unusual to find both parents working. There may also be times when you have to attend functions as a couple. In both cases, you may need to leave the kids with someone trustworthy.

If you want the peace of mind, the best way is to find the best sitter. The process of getting a sitter however probably is not that simple. What do parents have take note of when picking a sitter?

Start as Soon as Possible

If you want to have a break as a couple, then begin your search for a sitter early. This means planning all your night outs, breaks, work commitments ahead of time. This is to ensure that when you decide to study your sitter options, you have more time to study qualifications and be discriminating.

Study All Your Options

Needless to say, you would want a sitter that can be entrusted with your kids’ safety. A relevant tip therefore is to look at all your options. You can look for sitting services in the paper. Just make sure that the services you choose are ones which conduct some form of background check on their sitters. Another good parenting tip on this aspect is to advertise with your local community organizations or groups. One of the best thing to do however is to ask close relatives and friends to recommend some good sitters.

Ask For a Lot of Things

When you’re done looking for sitters and there are already applicant for the position, start a good screening process. Ask the right questions. Many highly recommend asking for references and actually checking and calling on those references. You should also consider a lot of questions during your interview with potential sitters.

Ask about length of experience as a sitter, ages of kids looked after, training in CPR or other relevant training. Make sure the applicant sitters know what they should do during emergency situations like the child choking or falling down the stairs.

Take the Time to Observe

When you have selected a sitter already, take the time to observe how the sitter interacts with the kids. One parenting tip is to see if the sitter seems naturally comfortable with the kids and vice versa. Another thing to do for additional safety is to install nanny cameras.

Ask the Kids

Always talk to your kids about their experience with their baby sitter. You can ask them to describe what they did that day, if they enjoyed being with their sitter, what new things their sitter taught them and what other things their sitter has been doing. Be sensitive to such warning signs as discomfort among your kids when you ask them sitter related questions and bumps and bruises in inconspicuous parts of your child’s body.

Barbara Beccari asked:


“I don’t want to read a story!”

Does this sound familiar? Do you have a little someone who doesn’t like to read?

It is difficult for a parent when they have a child who doesn’t enjoy reading. We feel this enormous pressure to raise our young children to become avid readers, knowing that a lot of what we do in life is dependent on understanding the written word. We know that not only could they could miss out on vital information, but also a great deal of enjoyment if reading isn’t something about which they are confident and happy.

Ok, so what is a parent to do? You can’t tie your child down, while they yell and carry on, and make them read to you, even though sometimes it may be tempting!

So the trick is to get creative and sneaky! Bring in reading when they least expect it. Have reading be a part of their everyday and make it fun.

Have you ever thought to:

1. Write words with permanent texta on plastic and play sinking games with them in the bath?

2. Hang cards with words or short bits of text off the clothes line and spin them around to read them?

3. Hide little notes with words or text in the back yard or around the house and play a finding game?

4. Ask them to tell you a story and you write it down? They can illustrate it and then turn it into a booklet. Children love to read what they have created themselves. You could start a ‘published author’ section on your bookshelf where their stories take pride of place.

5. Have a word-a-day on a card that can be discussed at the dinner table? This can lead to some very interesting discussions! Kids have fun picking something at random from a dictionary and they might just come up with a word that stumps the whole family!

6. Go somewhere special to read? – the park, in a tent, in a dark room with a torch!

7. Dress-up to read? – yes, both you and your child get into the character of the story!

Parents are very creative people. Put on those thinking caps and see what crazy fun ways you can come up with, to bring sparkles and laughter into reading with your child. There will be two benefits – your reluctant reader will learn to enjoy reading time and your relationship with your child will be closer than ever!